Feelings...

Over the course of this pregnancy there have been some things about labor/delivery and actual motherhood that have been very hard for me to wrap my brain around. These tend to be the things that can’t really be explained by someone that has been there and done that. The way each woman experiences/feels about them seems to be unique. They are the things that you aren’t truly going to understand until you’ve been through it. I think every pregnant woman has a list of things like this. For me, these aren’t really things I’m afraid of; rather they are things that I just wonder “how will I do this?” or “how does that work exactly?” or “what will that be like?”. I am actually excited to find out the answers to those questions.

I would like to list these things in the hopes that other pregnant women (or women thinking about becoming pregnant) see that they are not alone in having unanswered questions. I also want to list them so that women realize that they shouldn’t pay attention to the (often unsolicited) advice, comments, and stories they get from everyone- even strangers- when they find out they’re pregnant. Often times people say things that scare you (why they feel the need to do this is beyond me), and if there is one thing I’ve learned from reading Ina May Gaskin’s Guide to Childbirth it's just how much fear and people’s comments can negatively affect your birth experience. So, I am trying to ignore such comments, educate myself the best I can, and freely wonder what it will be like. I know that when it comes down to it that I will just do it. I’ll just get through it. But, before a life changing event occurs it is natural to wonder what it is going to feel like. Even if you realize that you aren’t going to know how it really feels until it is over. You just prepare the best you can, and go into it with an “I can do this!” attitude.

So far the list of the things/concepts that are hard for me wrap my brain around are;

Pushing: it’s my understanding that first time moms can expect to push for 2+ hours. Now I’m not worried/concerned about the pain of pushing. I know it will hurt, but I also know I am strong enough to get through it. But, what I can’t imagine is actually physically pushing for multiple hours. To be honest, I can’t imagine doing anything over and over again without giving up for multiple hours. When you’re in the thick of it are you really even aware of how much time has passed? Is it one big blur? After the baby is born and someone tells you how long you pushed for is it easy for you to believe them? Do you think “yeah it sure felt like 3 hours!” or “What? 3 hours? It didn’t feel like that long.”

Just how tired I’m going to be: throughout this pregnancy there have been days that I was so exhausted that I couldn’t imagine being any more tired. One day it hit me; am I going to be more tired than this with a newborn? If so, how is that possible? Shortly after wondering that I was watching an old episode of Mad About You that I had recorded. And, in this one Jaime had recently had Mable and was talking to Paul about how tired she was. She said, “You know every time before this that I said I was tired? I lied.” I thought, that probably sums it up- you have no clue what tired is until you have a baby. Pre-baby exhaustion must seem like just mildly sleepy after baby arrives. I’ll admit that at one point I actually thought; “well, in college I would stay up past 1am and then have to be at work (with children) by 6am, it’ll probably feel like that.” I have a feeling that after Baby C arrives I am going to look back on that thought and laugh at how naïve I was.

Breast-feeding: I am very much looking forward to breast feeding. I can’t wait to bond with my baby in that way. But, what I can’t imagine is how it will feel to be the sole food source for another human (at least for a few months). Will it be overwhelming? Will it be empowering to know that someone depends on me in that way? Maybe a combination of both?

Contractions: What will they feel like? Everyone says that they feel like “strong period cramps”. I’m curious to see if that is accurate. What about back labor, what does that feel like? Ina May advises that a woman should try to relax when she feels a contraction coming rather than tense up. Relaxing will help it to hurt less, she says. I’m wondering how in the world I’ll be able to relax my body. The bottom line is that you can read as many books as you want, do as much yoga as you want, do as many relaxation exercises as you want, but when the time comes you have no idea how you are going to react. As strange as it sounds, I am actually excited to go into labor. I know it is going to be an incredible amount of work- probably more physical work than I have ever done. But, I am so looking forward to the end results. Of course finally seeing Baby C is an end result, but so is the immense feeling of pride and accomplishment that I’ll feel once it’s over. A friend of mine recently gave birth naturally (after 4 hours of pushing!!), and she told me that the feeling a pride is so overwhelming and gratifying. That it is so amazing to see exactly what the female body is capable of. In fact, that seems to be a common theme in the birth stories I have read. The women are all so amazed at how strong they are when given the chance. They are in awe of what their bodies can do. I can’t wait to experience that.

Getting all these thoughts out has been freeing in a weird way. That is exactly why I love blogging so much.

Peace&Love,

Ashley