Over the course of this pregnancy there have been some things about labor/delivery and actual motherhood that have been very hard for me to wrap my brain around. These tend to be the things that can’t really be explained by someone that has been there and done that. The way each woman experiences/feels about them seems to be unique. They are the things that you aren’t truly going to understand until you’ve been through it. I think every pregnant woman has a list of things like this. For me, these aren’t really things I’m afraid of; rather they are things that I just wonder “how will I do this?” or “how does that work exactly?” or “what will that be like?”. I am actually excited to find out the answers to those questions.
I would like to list these things in the hopes that other pregnant women (or women thinking about becoming pregnant) see that they are not alone in having unanswered questions. I also want to list them so that women realize that they shouldn’t pay attention to the (often unsolicited) advice, comments, and stories they get from everyone- even strangers- when they find out they’re pregnant. Often times people say things that scare you (why they feel the need to do this is beyond me), and if there is one thing I’ve learned from reading Ina May Gaskin’s Guide to Childbirth it's just how much fear and people’s comments can negatively affect your birth experience. So, I am trying to ignore such comments, educate myself the best I can, and freely wonder what it will be like. I know that when it comes down to it that I will just do it. I’ll just get through it. But, before a life changing event occurs it is natural to wonder what it is going to feel like. Even if you realize that you aren’t going to know how it really feels until it is over. You just prepare the best you can, and go into it with an “I can do this!” attitude.
So far the list of the things/concepts that are hard for me wrap my brain around are;
Pushing: it’s my understanding that first time moms can expect to push for 2+ hours. Now I’m not worried/concerned about the pain of pushing. I know it will hurt, but I also know I am strong enough to get through it. But, what I can’t imagine is actually physically pushing for multiple hours. To be honest, I can’t imagine doing anything over and over again without giving up for multiple hours. When you’re in the thick of it are you really even aware of how much time has passed? Is it one big blur? After the baby is born and someone tells you how long you pushed for is it easy for you to believe them? Do you think “yeah it sure felt like 3 hours!” or “What? 3 hours? It didn’t feel like that long.”
Just how tired I’m going to be: throughout this pregnancy there have been days that I was so exhausted that I couldn’t imagine being any more tired. One day it hit me; am I going to be more tired than this with a newborn? If so, how is that possible? Shortly after wondering that I was watching an old episode of Mad About You that I had recorded. And, in this one Jaime had recently had Mable and was talking to Paul about how tired she was. She said, “You know every time before this that I said I was tired? I lied.” I thought, that probably sums it up- you have no clue what tired is until you have a baby. Pre-baby exhaustion must seem like just mildly sleepy after baby arrives. I’ll admit that at one point I actually thought; “well, in college I would stay up past 1am and then have to be at work (with children) by 6am, it’ll probably feel like that.” I have a feeling that after Baby C arrives I am going to look back on that thought and laugh at how naïve I was.
Breast-feeding: I am very much looking forward to breast feeding. I can’t wait to bond with my baby in that way. But, what I can’t imagine is how it will feel to be the sole food source for another human (at least for a few months). Will it be overwhelming? Will it be empowering to know that someone depends on me in that way? Maybe a combination of both?
Contractions: What will they feel like? Everyone says that they feel like “strong period cramps”. I’m curious to see if that is accurate. What about back labor, what does that feel like? Ina May advises that a woman should try to relax when she feels a contraction coming rather than tense up. Relaxing will help it to hurt less, she says. I’m wondering how in the world I’ll be able to relax my body. The bottom line is that you can read as many books as you want, do as much yoga as you want, do as many relaxation exercises as you want, but when the time comes you have no idea how you are going to react. As strange as it sounds, I am actually excited to go into labor. I know it is going to be an incredible amount of work- probably more physical work than I have ever done. But, I am so looking forward to the end results. Of course finally seeing Baby C is an end result, but so is the immense feeling of pride and accomplishment that I’ll feel once it’s over. A friend of mine recently gave birth naturally (after 4 hours of pushing!!), and she told me that the feeling a pride is so overwhelming and gratifying. That it is so amazing to see exactly what the female body is capable of. In fact, that seems to be a common theme in the birth stories I have read. The women are all so amazed at how strong they are when given the chance. They are in awe of what their bodies can do. I can’t wait to experience that.
Getting all these thoughts out has been freeing in a weird way. That is exactly why I love blogging so much.
Peace&Love,
Ashley
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Thursday, February 23, 2012
33 weeks!
I've been wanting to do this whole baby/pregnancy blog thing for awhile now. I've been reading a few other blogs and got the idea to do a weekly update with a standard set of questions from them. Since I'm pretty far into this pregnancy this first update will contain some past info. to compare and give you an idea of where I started vs. where I am now. So, here it goes...
STATS:
How far along: 33 weeks! I really can't believe I am that far already. Time has flown by and is going really slow all at the same time. On one hand it feels like it was just last week that I took that first test and showed the positive result to Anthony. But, on the other hand I am not quite ready for this baby to come, and am glad that I still have a few more weeks. The nursery is still a work in progress, we have yet to build our cloth diaper stash (Yes, cloth diapers. That will be a post all of its own), and I want to make a bunch of freezer meals. But, beyond the physical/material things I also still need to do some mental preparation. Well, as much as a first time mom can do. There are still several things about labor/delivery and the newborn stage that I am trying to wrap my brain around. I'm not going to go into those things at this moment because that is going to be a separate post. But, I have realized that the reason it is hard to imagine/wrap your brain around certain things about pregnancy and motherhood is because those are the two things in life that are different for every woman and there is just no way of adequately telling a first time mom what to expect in a way that will actually convey the life changing events that are about to take place. Simply put, you aren't going to understand it until you've been through it.
So, I've been reading Ina May Gaskin's Guide to Childbirth as a way of preparing as much as possible for this birth. I'm still looking for a good book about life with a newborn. If there is one thing I have learned from reading other pregnancy blogs it's that you shouldn't read dozens of books about pregnancy/birth and motherhood. It will get too confusing-there are too many conflicting ideas and opinions. Instead, I have learned that it is important to first research the type of birth you want and figure out which type of theory/technique you agree with most. And then, find a good book about that. For me, I did a lot of research before I even got pregnant and decided that I wanted to have a midwife oversee my pregnancy/birth rather than an OB, and I wanted to try everything I can to have a natural birth. I came across Gaskin's Guide to Childbirth while reading a natural birth blog. I LOVE the book so far, and I do feel more mentally prepared after reading what I have so far. Obviously time will tell, but I'm happy with this book and will be recommending it to all the pregnant women in my life wether they want to try for a natural (by which I mean pain med-fee) birth or not. The birth stories in it are powerful and empowering, and I feel very inspired by them. Also, the way Gaskin explains the things that go on during labor and delivery and how to prepare for and handle them really makes sense to me.
Size: According to the fruit/veggie chart I found online, Baby C is the size of a honeydew. He'll be at that size for a few weeks before moving on to the last fruit- watermelon. As far as actual measurements, I consulted a different chart and the average size for 33 weeks is 17. 2 inches long and 4.23 pounds.
Total weight gain: Based on my starting weight it is recommended that I only gain about 15lbs. I started out losing weight due to nausea, then I slowly gained weight. I held steady at 5 pounds gained for several weeks; which I was happy with. As of two weeks ago I had gained 7lbs. This actually kind of surprised me because I was so used to seeing the same number on the scale. haha. I weighed myself this afternoon and I seem to be up to 10lbs gained. I am going to re-weigh myself tomorrow morning, though since it is more accurate to weigh yourself in the morning. Overall, I am happy with 10lbs gained. I am 33 weeks, after all, and women who are at a more healthy weight pre-baby are told to gain 30-40 pounds (or about a pound a week)during their pregnancy. So, I'm pretty proud that I've been able to keep my weight gain under control. I only have 7 weeks left, so even if I gain a pound a week until then I will still only be at 17lbs gained. That is a number I can totally live with. :) My belly is measuing within the normal range, so that should mean that Baby C will be an "average" size. That thrills me since I am all too aware of the size of his exit route. ;)
Sleep: Sleeping on my side has definitely taken some adjustment. I am a hard core stomach sleeper and I absolutely can not wait to be able to sleep that way again. But, I'm pretty used to it by now and I have to say that I sleep fairly well. I do get up 2-3 times a night to pee, but I am usually able to go right back to sleep (thankfully). Changing sides is getting increasingly harder, though. I'm pretty sure I sound like an old person when I move from my left to right side. Sometimes I have to pull on Anthony's arm to give me some leverage while turning over. Luckily for him, he doesn't complain.
Food cravings: Pizza, pizza, and more pizza. I don't know why, I wasn't a huge pizza fan pre-pregnancy. But, I have heard from other pregnant women that pizza is one of their big cravings, too. Weird. Besides that I don't really crave a specific item. Instead, I crave something sweet or something salty- anything fitting that description will do. Occasionally, I do get a really odd, specific craving, though. For example, the other day I wanted a simosa from Kenya. And not just any simosa- one from a street cart in Gilgil. That was, hand down, the best simosa I had while there. Mmmm!
Food aversions: Nothing right now. But, a couple months ago avocados; unfortunately, were making me gag. I couldn't finish the chicken avocado ranch sandwich from Zoup! and quacamole at Chipotle made me gag. Thankfully, that stage is over, and I can eat pretty much anything I want.
Symptoms: I have had pretty bad round ligament pain since a couple months into this pregnancy. My bikini line and upper thigh area ache when I walk. I now know why the pregnant lady waddles, let me tell you. It has gotten a little better lately (or maybe I am just used to it and don't notice it as much?). Other than that I have had more frequent heartburn, and my lower back and hips ache after a long day. I am incredibly tired some days, but that is to be expected. Fortunately, I haven't thrown up, experienced swelling, or had any of the other common symptoms.
Stretchmarks: None until about a month or so ago. Now I have several around my belly button. Their appearance doesn't bother me at all and I didn't do anything to prevent them. I'm not the type of person that worries much about thier physical appearance and they don't make me self-conscious. My belly does get itchy, though, so I've been lotioning it daily.
Midwife Appointment: I'm going every two weeks now, and my next appointment is the 27th.
Movement: I feel him move a lot, but mostly at night. He moves more when I play music- specifically Jennifer Hudson. I'm serious, this kid loves her! I've tried other artists/bands, and nothing gets him moving quite like Ms. Hudson. :)
Belly Button: It's getting more shallow every day. It's almost flat and I can make it "pop out" if I stretch my belly a little. Gross, I know. But, I can't help it.
Gender: Boy! Although, I must admit that I am not entirely convinced that is the case. I guess time will tell. :)
Best moment of the week: Getting some things for the nursery with my mom, and painting the bookshelf that was in my nursery. It's getting a make-over for Baby C, and I am so glad that I am able to have something from my nursery in his.
What I’m looking forward to: Getting the nursery completed! And, of course, finally meeting this little guy!
What I miss: Nothing, really. Besides sushi. That is definitely going to be one of my first meals after delivery.
Ok, that's all for this week's update. Some posts I'm working on are; cloth diapering, the things that are hard for me to wrap my brain around, how great Anthony has been throughout all of this, a nursery post with pictures, freezer meals, and some others. I'm also working on a birth plan (I know, I know you can't plan the birth. But, this will basically be a list of things that we want and don't want to happen if we can prevent it. My midwife recommends at least getting your desires on paper so that you are educated about the process and know what you want. I'll definitely be going into labor/delivery with an open mind, though.).
So for now....
Peace&Love,
Ashley
STATS:
How far along: 33 weeks! I really can't believe I am that far already. Time has flown by and is going really slow all at the same time. On one hand it feels like it was just last week that I took that first test and showed the positive result to Anthony. But, on the other hand I am not quite ready for this baby to come, and am glad that I still have a few more weeks. The nursery is still a work in progress, we have yet to build our cloth diaper stash (Yes, cloth diapers. That will be a post all of its own), and I want to make a bunch of freezer meals. But, beyond the physical/material things I also still need to do some mental preparation. Well, as much as a first time mom can do. There are still several things about labor/delivery and the newborn stage that I am trying to wrap my brain around. I'm not going to go into those things at this moment because that is going to be a separate post. But, I have realized that the reason it is hard to imagine/wrap your brain around certain things about pregnancy and motherhood is because those are the two things in life that are different for every woman and there is just no way of adequately telling a first time mom what to expect in a way that will actually convey the life changing events that are about to take place. Simply put, you aren't going to understand it until you've been through it.
So, I've been reading Ina May Gaskin's Guide to Childbirth as a way of preparing as much as possible for this birth. I'm still looking for a good book about life with a newborn. If there is one thing I have learned from reading other pregnancy blogs it's that you shouldn't read dozens of books about pregnancy/birth and motherhood. It will get too confusing-there are too many conflicting ideas and opinions. Instead, I have learned that it is important to first research the type of birth you want and figure out which type of theory/technique you agree with most. And then, find a good book about that. For me, I did a lot of research before I even got pregnant and decided that I wanted to have a midwife oversee my pregnancy/birth rather than an OB, and I wanted to try everything I can to have a natural birth. I came across Gaskin's Guide to Childbirth while reading a natural birth blog. I LOVE the book so far, and I do feel more mentally prepared after reading what I have so far. Obviously time will tell, but I'm happy with this book and will be recommending it to all the pregnant women in my life wether they want to try for a natural (by which I mean pain med-fee) birth or not. The birth stories in it are powerful and empowering, and I feel very inspired by them. Also, the way Gaskin explains the things that go on during labor and delivery and how to prepare for and handle them really makes sense to me.
Size: According to the fruit/veggie chart I found online, Baby C is the size of a honeydew. He'll be at that size for a few weeks before moving on to the last fruit- watermelon. As far as actual measurements, I consulted a different chart and the average size for 33 weeks is 17. 2 inches long and 4.23 pounds.
Total weight gain: Based on my starting weight it is recommended that I only gain about 15lbs. I started out losing weight due to nausea, then I slowly gained weight. I held steady at 5 pounds gained for several weeks; which I was happy with. As of two weeks ago I had gained 7lbs. This actually kind of surprised me because I was so used to seeing the same number on the scale. haha. I weighed myself this afternoon and I seem to be up to 10lbs gained. I am going to re-weigh myself tomorrow morning, though since it is more accurate to weigh yourself in the morning. Overall, I am happy with 10lbs gained. I am 33 weeks, after all, and women who are at a more healthy weight pre-baby are told to gain 30-40 pounds (or about a pound a week)during their pregnancy. So, I'm pretty proud that I've been able to keep my weight gain under control. I only have 7 weeks left, so even if I gain a pound a week until then I will still only be at 17lbs gained. That is a number I can totally live with. :) My belly is measuing within the normal range, so that should mean that Baby C will be an "average" size. That thrills me since I am all too aware of the size of his exit route. ;)
Sleep: Sleeping on my side has definitely taken some adjustment. I am a hard core stomach sleeper and I absolutely can not wait to be able to sleep that way again. But, I'm pretty used to it by now and I have to say that I sleep fairly well. I do get up 2-3 times a night to pee, but I am usually able to go right back to sleep (thankfully). Changing sides is getting increasingly harder, though. I'm pretty sure I sound like an old person when I move from my left to right side. Sometimes I have to pull on Anthony's arm to give me some leverage while turning over. Luckily for him, he doesn't complain.
Food cravings: Pizza, pizza, and more pizza. I don't know why, I wasn't a huge pizza fan pre-pregnancy. But, I have heard from other pregnant women that pizza is one of their big cravings, too. Weird. Besides that I don't really crave a specific item. Instead, I crave something sweet or something salty- anything fitting that description will do. Occasionally, I do get a really odd, specific craving, though. For example, the other day I wanted a simosa from Kenya. And not just any simosa- one from a street cart in Gilgil. That was, hand down, the best simosa I had while there. Mmmm!
Food aversions: Nothing right now. But, a couple months ago avocados; unfortunately, were making me gag. I couldn't finish the chicken avocado ranch sandwich from Zoup! and quacamole at Chipotle made me gag. Thankfully, that stage is over, and I can eat pretty much anything I want.
Symptoms: I have had pretty bad round ligament pain since a couple months into this pregnancy. My bikini line and upper thigh area ache when I walk. I now know why the pregnant lady waddles, let me tell you. It has gotten a little better lately (or maybe I am just used to it and don't notice it as much?). Other than that I have had more frequent heartburn, and my lower back and hips ache after a long day. I am incredibly tired some days, but that is to be expected. Fortunately, I haven't thrown up, experienced swelling, or had any of the other common symptoms.
Stretchmarks: None until about a month or so ago. Now I have several around my belly button. Their appearance doesn't bother me at all and I didn't do anything to prevent them. I'm not the type of person that worries much about thier physical appearance and they don't make me self-conscious. My belly does get itchy, though, so I've been lotioning it daily.
Midwife Appointment: I'm going every two weeks now, and my next appointment is the 27th.
Movement: I feel him move a lot, but mostly at night. He moves more when I play music- specifically Jennifer Hudson. I'm serious, this kid loves her! I've tried other artists/bands, and nothing gets him moving quite like Ms. Hudson. :)
Belly Button: It's getting more shallow every day. It's almost flat and I can make it "pop out" if I stretch my belly a little. Gross, I know. But, I can't help it.
Gender: Boy! Although, I must admit that I am not entirely convinced that is the case. I guess time will tell. :)
Best moment of the week: Getting some things for the nursery with my mom, and painting the bookshelf that was in my nursery. It's getting a make-over for Baby C, and I am so glad that I am able to have something from my nursery in his.
What I’m looking forward to: Getting the nursery completed! And, of course, finally meeting this little guy!
What I miss: Nothing, really. Besides sushi. That is definitely going to be one of my first meals after delivery.
Ok, that's all for this week's update. Some posts I'm working on are; cloth diapering, the things that are hard for me to wrap my brain around, how great Anthony has been throughout all of this, a nursery post with pictures, freezer meals, and some others. I'm also working on a birth plan (I know, I know you can't plan the birth. But, this will basically be a list of things that we want and don't want to happen if we can prevent it. My midwife recommends at least getting your desires on paper so that you are educated about the process and know what you want. I'll definitely be going into labor/delivery with an open mind, though.).
So for now....
Peace&Love,
Ashley
Monday, February 20, 2012
New Beginnings
Things have changed a lot over that past fews months. I came home from Kenya and slowly got back to a "normal" life. Anthony and I had talked about having kids before we ever got married. Going to Kenya was the last thing I wanted to do before starting a family. For Anthony, being done with nursing school before the baby arrived was a priority (and I agreed). So, we did the math and figured out when to start trying in order to have the baby after he graduates; which will be in May. I had been researching the logistics of getting pregnant (well, except from the obvious work required) such as charting your period and fertile days, and using ovulation predictor tests. We firgured that we waited long enough to start trying and we wanted to give ourselves the best shot of getting pregnant once we decided to start trying. We had read that it could take a healthy couple a year to get pregnant, so we decided to start trying a month early to give ourselves a head start. Well, surprise! I got pregnant the first month of trying. Which, meant I would be due in April- a month before Anthony graduates. I honestly didn't think that would ever happen; that we would be lucky enough to have such success early on.
I was so sure that I wasn't pregnant that I decided to take a pregnancy test before Anthony got home from school. I figured that way I would have time to process the negative result by myself before he got home. Well, I was absolutely shocked when the digital test read positive. I just stared at it and myself in the bathroom mirror. When Anthony got home I gave him the test. He looks at it and says "that only looks like one line" (meaning a negative test). He didn't even see that it actually said positive. I told him that it was a digital test not one of the ones with the double or single lines. "It says positive!", I said. He just looked at me. We were so excited and definitely shocked! I took a few more tests over the next few days and when they were also positive I called the midwife group I had researched and told them I needed an appointment. And so, our adventure began.
Little did we know that we would have several curve balls thrown at us over the next few months. There have been times where the life growing inside of me and my strong marriage seemed to be the only positive things in my life. Everything else just seemed so hard. The day I found out I was pregnant I found out that I got a nanny job I had interviewed for a week prior. Great news! Well, after just one week of working for this (flakey) family I was let go; the mother said that she wanted a family member to look after the kids and that she hoped she "didn't mess anything up for me". Riiiight, lady. So now, I was newly pregnant and unemployed. "Who hires a pregnant lady?", I thought. "Perfect timing" and "now what am I going to do?", also ran through my mind on a daily (sometimes hourly) basis. I eventually found a new, part-time job, and kept looking for something full time. All the while I kept getting bigger and knew that I wouldn't be able to hide this pregnancy forever. I felt immense pressure (from myself not Anthony) to find something full time and find it fast. Meanwhile we decided that we needed to move to a bigger, nicer place before this baby came. After a long, hard search we finally found a place we loved and cost less than $1,000 a month (who the eff pays $1,000+ for a two bedroom apartment in this area?!) and moved in November. We had money from our student loan refunds and figured we could make it stretch until I found something that actually paid the bills. I have been lucky enough to have been employed pretty much since graduating, and was pretty naive about the whole job searching process. The money ran out before I found anything full time, and we were majorly struggling to pay the rent. I ended up finding a better job and was told that I could give me two weeks notice to my other job. Well, I there ended up being a 2-3 week gap in between quitting one job and starting the other. Then Anthony's car died. It was like we couldn't win. But, thanks to our amazing families, we have been able to make ends meet. But, it has certainly been tough. We both HATE having to rely on others financially, and every time we have to ask for money it gets harder.
This has been a time of growth for us. We have learned so much through our trials. We have learned what we need versus what we want. We have cut back on just about everything we can cut back on, and are still struggling. We have grown closer as a couple, and now appreciate each other and what we have more than ever. We realize it could be so much worse. And, I know we will look back on this time and laugh. I just keep telling myself that it WILL get better eventually. "This is only temporary" has become my mantra. There have been many times when I have thought "this isn't fair! We were responsible, we waited to get pregnant until we were ready. Why is this happening to us?". I thought that had I known we were going to go through all these trials we would have waited to get pregnant. But, you know what? I learned that none of that negative thinking is productive. It gets you no where. I have come to realize that everything happens for a reason. And I know that things will get better once we get this semester's student loan refunds and when Anthony graduates and is getting paid at least double what he is making now. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. And, I have a feeling that when this little boy gets here I am going to have absolutely no regrets about trying to get pregnant when we did. I just can't wait to stare at him and think "this is what we've been working so hard for".
I was so sure that I wasn't pregnant that I decided to take a pregnancy test before Anthony got home from school. I figured that way I would have time to process the negative result by myself before he got home. Well, I was absolutely shocked when the digital test read positive. I just stared at it and myself in the bathroom mirror. When Anthony got home I gave him the test. He looks at it and says "that only looks like one line" (meaning a negative test). He didn't even see that it actually said positive. I told him that it was a digital test not one of the ones with the double or single lines. "It says positive!", I said. He just looked at me. We were so excited and definitely shocked! I took a few more tests over the next few days and when they were also positive I called the midwife group I had researched and told them I needed an appointment. And so, our adventure began.
Little did we know that we would have several curve balls thrown at us over the next few months. There have been times where the life growing inside of me and my strong marriage seemed to be the only positive things in my life. Everything else just seemed so hard. The day I found out I was pregnant I found out that I got a nanny job I had interviewed for a week prior. Great news! Well, after just one week of working for this (flakey) family I was let go; the mother said that she wanted a family member to look after the kids and that she hoped she "didn't mess anything up for me". Riiiight, lady. So now, I was newly pregnant and unemployed. "Who hires a pregnant lady?", I thought. "Perfect timing" and "now what am I going to do?", also ran through my mind on a daily (sometimes hourly) basis. I eventually found a new, part-time job, and kept looking for something full time. All the while I kept getting bigger and knew that I wouldn't be able to hide this pregnancy forever. I felt immense pressure (from myself not Anthony) to find something full time and find it fast. Meanwhile we decided that we needed to move to a bigger, nicer place before this baby came. After a long, hard search we finally found a place we loved and cost less than $1,000 a month (who the eff pays $1,000+ for a two bedroom apartment in this area?!) and moved in November. We had money from our student loan refunds and figured we could make it stretch until I found something that actually paid the bills. I have been lucky enough to have been employed pretty much since graduating, and was pretty naive about the whole job searching process. The money ran out before I found anything full time, and we were majorly struggling to pay the rent. I ended up finding a better job and was told that I could give me two weeks notice to my other job. Well, I there ended up being a 2-3 week gap in between quitting one job and starting the other. Then Anthony's car died. It was like we couldn't win. But, thanks to our amazing families, we have been able to make ends meet. But, it has certainly been tough. We both HATE having to rely on others financially, and every time we have to ask for money it gets harder.
This has been a time of growth for us. We have learned so much through our trials. We have learned what we need versus what we want. We have cut back on just about everything we can cut back on, and are still struggling. We have grown closer as a couple, and now appreciate each other and what we have more than ever. We realize it could be so much worse. And, I know we will look back on this time and laugh. I just keep telling myself that it WILL get better eventually. "This is only temporary" has become my mantra. There have been many times when I have thought "this isn't fair! We were responsible, we waited to get pregnant until we were ready. Why is this happening to us?". I thought that had I known we were going to go through all these trials we would have waited to get pregnant. But, you know what? I learned that none of that negative thinking is productive. It gets you no where. I have come to realize that everything happens for a reason. And I know that things will get better once we get this semester's student loan refunds and when Anthony graduates and is getting paid at least double what he is making now. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. And, I have a feeling that when this little boy gets here I am going to have absolutely no regrets about trying to get pregnant when we did. I just can't wait to stare at him and think "this is what we've been working so hard for".
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