Harrison's Birth

I have had this post written for a couple months now, but have been procrastinating actually publishing it. I think it's because a woman's birth story is incredibly personal and emotional; I cried several times writing and proof reading mine. But, it is also beautiful, and I always enjoyed reading them while I was pregnant. They helped me get an idea of what to expect. So, I decided to post mine hoping that whoever reads it will enjoy it and that; if they're pregnant, they'll learn something or maybe gain a little inspiration or something. Giving birth is a beautiful, painful, wonderful thing and however you decide to give birth- with an epidural, without one, in the water, at home, whatever- it is a truly magical experience that changes your life forever. It's really long, and I'm sure I forgot some things, but here is my almost pain-med free birth story;

Thursday April 19^th started out just like any other day. I got up, ate some cocoa pebbles, took a shower, and got ready to go to my non-stress test and amniotic fluid index ultrasound at Reading Hospital. I was exactly 41 weeks pregnant and very ready to meet my baby. I was a little nervous to find out what was going on because I knew the results would either mean that I had to wait up to another week to meet him, or that I could be meeting him that day or the next. Both prospects were daunting, and I wasn’t sure which I should be hoping for. I didn’t want to be induced because I knew that inductions were associated with an increased risk of needing a c-section; which was the last thing that I wanted. I also knew that Pitocin (the drug used to induce) caused intense, close-together contractions that were much harder to handle then contractions that started normally/on their own. Since I wanted a pain-med free birth, I was nervous that I would not be able to do it without an epidural if I needed to be induced. But, on the other hand, the thought of being pregnant for up to another week was not something that I wanted to consider. I was getting more uncomfortable as each day went by. I was having such intense back pain that would last all day, and just wanted this baby to be born. Plus, I was growing more and more worried that things weren’t ok with this baby. I would wake up in the middle of the night (normally to pee) and was not able to go back to sleep because I was worried that I couldn’t get the baby to move. I would poke and prod my belly, talk to him, play music and was not able to feel movement. This scared me. I would freak myself out wondering “how many movements did I feel today?” “He has been pretty active today, right?” “I’m sure everything is fine he’s just sleeping” “But, why won’t he move?!”. Then I would wake up Anthony and tell him “you have to help me make the baby move”.   So, he would as I cried that I just wanted him to come so that I could actually see him and make sure he was ok. Anthony would reassure me that everything is fine and that he would be here soon. Eventually he would move and I would be reassured and somehow manage to fall back to sleep. Needless to say, I wasn’t going to be truly happy until he was here.

Alright, back to the morning of the 19^th. I was running late (as usual), but managed to get to my appointment and the nice nurse started the non-stress test. Two monitors were placed around my huge stomach and I was left to lie in the chair and read The Hunger Games on my Nook for 20 or so minutes while they monitored Baby C. I could hear a woman next to me talk to the nurse about how she was having twins. And I just kept thinking, thank God that’s not me. I don’t know how I could handle having TWO in there. Good Lord. Twenty minutes passed and the nurse came back to say that everything was fine, but there were a couple decelerations in the baby’s heart rate but, “that’s normal unless the baby’s fluid is low and you’re going for a check on that now”.  So, onto the fluid check I went. I was set up in the room and the tech started to move the wand around. I hadn’t had an ultrasound since 21 weeks and was enjoying actually seeing my baby. But, I could tell by the look on her face that something was wrong. The next thing I knew the doctor came in and said that the fluid was incredibly low and that he needed to call my midwife to let her know what was up. I started to get teary because I knew what that meant; that I would need to be induced. Like right now. I talked to Jen (the midwife) on the phone and she asked me if I ate anything today. And I said yes. She was very reassuring, and told me everything was going to be fine and that the other midwife, Robin, would be in to get things started. And she said they would start things very slowly. They, of course, knew this wasn’t what I wanted and didn’t dismiss my feelings. I was so happy that I had chosen midwives to look after my care. Before leaving, I told the doctor and ultrasound tech that my husband was in the hospital doing an O.R. observation for nursing school and could they have someone find him and let him know.

From there I headed up to the maternity ward, tried calling Anthony with no success, and was immediately admitted and asked to change into a gown. I also told this nurse that my husband was in the hospital doing an O.R. observation for nursing school, could she please have someone let him know what was going on. She asked how long he would be there (it was about 9:30am at this point) and I said until noon. And, she kind of snickered and said “oh, it’s going to take much longer than that. He’ll have plenty of time, not much is going to happen before then”. I resisted the intense urge to slap her, and repeated that I wanted him here. I called him again and he immediately answered so I knew someone had gotten to him. He was almost at the maternity ward. Thank God. He came into the room in his O.R. scrubs with his white nursing school scrubs in a bag. I think I said something about how we could send one of our family members to go get some clothes for him. He said he was fine and we could worry about it later. Uh, duh, Ashley who freaking cares what he is wearing?! Haha. Everything started to hit me and I started to cry. Anthony (again) reassured me that everything was going to be fine and at least we were going to meet our son soon. The nurse came in and started my I.V. The first one blew, but she was able to get it the second time. Robin came in and explained that things were going to be started slowly. I expressed to her that I was glad to hear that because I really wanted to have the best shot of having a natural, vaginal birth. She said that’s what she wanted for me and assured me they were going to do everything possible to give me the outcome I wanted.

I was hooked up to two monitors so they could keep track of my and the baby’s heartbeats. I told Robin that I wanted the wireless monitor so that I could at least move around the room in order to manage the pain of the contractions. I knew that walking around, going into the shower, bouncing/rocking on an exercise ball, etc… would help me avoid pain meds. And, I didn’t want this induction to compromise that. Fluids and penicillin were started. Fluids because I wasn’t going to be able to eat or drink anything besides clear fluids and I needed to be hydrated, and penicillin because I was Group B Strep positive and the baby needed the antibiotic in order to be protected. The Pitocin was also started and I would say that within an hour the contractions started. Anthony was by my side and helped me though them. They quickly became very intense and I wasn’t sure how I was going to handle this. At some point Robin checked me and I was only 4cms dilated. Ugh. So, the Pitocin was increased and so did the contractions. I had to pee very badly and was told I could get up to use the bathroom but I needed to bring the I.V. pole and all the wires with me. I tried to stand up and was immediately in intense pain. The pain wasn’t from a contraction, though. My bladder was just so big and full and it was pushing against my uterus in such a way that I felt like I couldn’t stand up. I began crying on Anthony’s shoulder and I could hear Robin telling me everything was going to be fine. I eventually made it to the bathroom and was able to pee. Ah sweet relief! I made it back to the bed and got through a few more contractions. I remember being so overwhelmed and wishing I was at the birth center. At the birth center I wouldn’t have an I.V., wouldn’t be connected to monitors, would be able to eat, and would be able be in the birthing pool/tub. I knew the tub would give me relief, and I wanted it badly. I asked the nurse if I could get up and sway next to the bed. I really needed to get up and move around. She said yes, and I got up, hung on to the I.V. pole and started to move back and forth. I already felt better. The nurse needed to readjust the monitors because she lost the baby’s heart rate. She began searching for it, but couldn’t find it. After a couple minutes of searching she asked me to get back into the bed until she got it. I lay back down and she still couldn’t find it. Robin came in and said that they wanted to place an internal monitor in. She explained that this involved placing an electrode on the baby’s head. They would prick the skin with the electrode and it would stay in place. She placed it, and that was by far the most painful experience of my life. She needed to get passed the cervix and to the baby’s head and I wanted to kick her off the bed while she placed it. It was at this point that I began wondering to myself why exactly I wanted to do this without an epidural. Anthony was by my side the entire time, rubbing my back and telling me encouraging things like “remember how you climbed up that mountain in Kenya? That was really hard and you did it. You can do this”. We had agreed beforehand that I would use my experiences in Kenya to give me strength and take me away from the pain. Kenya would be my happy place; I would go there to get away.

Once the internal monitor was placed they were able to pick up his heartbeat. It was at this point that things got a little nerve-wracking. The baby’s heart rate was high; 180-190, when it had been in the 140s during the non-stress test just a couple hours before as well as throughout my pregnancy. Also, the heart beat was irregular. Now that the internal monitor was in, the baby’s heart beat sounded a lot more clear- like someone knocking on a door. Well, it was beating two fast beats, a break, one beat kind of like knonkknock___knock, knockknock___knock. Obviously, we both knew this wasn’t good. So Robin came back in and we started to talk about our options. She was puzzled as to why this would just happen all of a sudden. Both her and the nurse (also named Robin) said that they had never seen anything like this and they had been working in this field for over 25 years each. That isn’t exactly what you want to hear when you’re in labor. I had read that the baby’s heart rate can go down when the mom is given Pitocin because they are under distress due to the strong, close together contractions brought on by the drug. This then (usually) results in Mom needing a c-section. But, I had not read anything about baby’s heart rate going up or becoming irregular due to the drug. Robin seemed pretty sure that I was going to need a c-section. In fact, she flat out told me that if she had to place a bet she would bet we “are going to end up on the table. But, by all means, prove us wrong, girl”. At this point, I just wanted everyone to make a decision one way or another. Although I didn’t want a c-section, I would obviously do whatever it took to have a healthy baby. It seemed to be taking forever for everyone to make a decision. Dr. Cammarano is the consulting doctor and would be the one doing the c-section. So, he needed to be consulted. I felt helpless in the bed, and just wanted this to all be over.

Around this time Anthony went out to update our anxious families. I believe I was around 6cm dilated and he wanted them to know that and that I might need a c-section. While he was out Robin made the decision to take out my internal monitor (or maybe it fell out I really don’t remember everything was kind of a blur) and put in another one. Anthony was still gone and I remember thinking “where the hell is he!? He is taking too long!”. Although, it was probably only 5-10 minutes it felt like FOREVER. Robin began to place the monitor and I thought I was going to die, the pain was so intense. I just kept crying “No no no!” because I had no other words for what I felt. At one point I said “I want my husband”. Soon Anthony was back and Robin nicely said “Ok, she is in labor now so…” and I said, “so, you can’t leave anymore”. Robin goes, “well, I was gonna say it a little more delicately, but yeah you can’t leave anymore.” Another contraction was coming on and I told Anthony that I couldn’t do this anymore and to call the anesthesiologist because I wanted an epidural. Like, NOW! But, he remained calm and said, “let’s talk about it after the contraction is over”. Surprisingly, this didn’t annoy me- I actually read about this in Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth, and told Anthony to say that to me if I started to lose it. Meanwhile, the baby’s heartbeat and rate were still irregular and high. My Pitocin was lowered to see if that would help. It didn’t and Robin started to feel like maybe it was the placement of the monitor or possibly that the monitor was defective/not working right. She said she wanted to place a third one. I about lost it at that point. I looked her straight in the eye and asked her if she thought it was worth it. What I meant was that I didn’t want to go through the pain of placing it again if I was only going to end up with a c-section anyway. She said that she thought it was worth it and I trusted her. So, she placed a third one, but Anthony was with me and helped me through it. After it was placed, his heart rate and beat remained unchanged and more decisions needed to be made.

Eventually it was decided that an ultrasound should be done to actually see his heart and determine what was going on. I was asked to wear an oxygen mask and three doctors came in with an ultrasound machine. To me, it looked like two residents and one doctor and all three were very nice. They took turns looking at his heart and everything looked good. They also looked to see if he was moving well and showing other signs that he was tolerating everything okay. He seemed to be doing well besides the heart, and the doctors didn’t seem concerned. The head of maternal and fetal medicine came in at that point to consult. He agreed that everything looked good, and all four doctors also agreed that they had never seen anything like that and that it was strange that his heart would just start acting like this out of the blue. I jokingly asked them if they were going to write a journal article about me. We all laughed and I was able to relax a little bit. Then another contraction hit and in the middle of one the resident asked me something, and I said, as nicely as I could, that I could not talk at the moment. She didn’t seem offended and just kind of smiled. Everyone left to fill in Dr. Cammarano, and when Robin came back she said that he said that it looked like the baby was handling everything well. And, that we could continue with the Pitocin. She did add, though, that if things got worse I would need a c-section. So, labor continued and it was so intense that I started to wonder why women even had children in the first place. This Pitocin was kicking my butt. Five o’clock rolled around and it was time for one of the other midwives, Jen, to come in and relieve Robin. Jen had obviously been briefed on what was going on and was aware of the possible heart issues. Shortly after she came in I heard her say “has anyone been counting the beats? Because when I count the beats I get 144.” What she said immediately clicked with me. I remember thinking “Oh yeah, why hasn’t anyone else thought of that?” I had a feeling then that everything was going to be ok. Things moved pretty quickly from there. And, labor became even more intense.

Jen and the new nurse, Missy, were absolute God sends and I could not have been more pleased with them! Both women, along with Anthony, gave me such amazing support and encouragement. It was around this time that I again began practically begging for an epidural, but Anthony was able to talk me out of it. However, Missy said “what about an I.V. pain med?” Ding ding ding! We have a winner! I had forgotten all about the I.V. meds. I immediately said “yes!”, and Missy left to retrieve the glorious Nubain. She administered it though my I.V. and, while doing so, explained that I wouldn’t feel full relief from the pain, but should feel more relaxed. That is exactly what I wanted. What I needed. The contractions were just so long, close together, and painful that I couldn’t get a grasp on them. I couldn’t relax enough between them or see the light at the end of the tunnel during them. Once the Nubain took effect I still felt the full force of the contractions but was able to relax in between them. It was as though I was daydreaming or even sleeping for a moment or two in between. It was just what I needed to prepare myself for the next contraction. It gave me the control I needed to be able to tell myself that I could, in fact, do this. At some point I had asked Anthony to turn on my Nook and put the Guster Pandora station on. This helped me relax even more and I remember thinking about the time Lauren and I went to see Guster at Penns Landing. I was transported back to that hot sidewalk in front of the gates. We sat there under the tree and people watched for the several hours before the concert. We wanted first row “seats” and we got them. It was so worth it. Obviously the Nubain was working and this was the first time that I felt somewhat in control that day.

I was making good progress and the contractions were getting more and more intense. This is when Jen became invaluable to my sanity. During a particularly long, strong contraction she crouched down in front of me and pushed against my knees with her hands as I sat on the side of the bed with my feet hanging over the side. This put just the right about of pressure on my hips, and along with Anthony pressing on my lower back gave me a good amount of relief during the contractions. Once I felt that relief I craved it during each subsequent contraction and asked Jen to “do the knee thing” whenever I felt one coming on. She did, and I will be forever grateful for that. I remember the midwives saying that they often acted as a doula (labor support person) in addition to a midwife, and this was proof of that. I’ll say it again, without her and Anthony’s support I would not have been able to go without an epidural. At some point I could feel the Nubain wearing off and requested another dose. I was hitting transition and needed it. It wasn’t long after receiving that second dose that I felt the urge to push. Jen checked me and I wasn’t quite ten centimeters. Crap. So labor continued, but soon I was saying “I want to push” again. Jen checked me again and said that there was only a little cervix left. She told me I could push with the next contraction to see if I could push through it. As the contraction came on I began to push and was happy to hear Jen say that the cervix was moving out of the way and was not beginning to swell. Hallelujah!

It was go time, and I was so ready to meet my son! I was able to push with each contraction, and it felt great to actually be able to do something. It turns out I was a good pusher and the Pitocin was turned off since I was having contractions on my own. The non-Pitocin contractions felt nothing like the ones brought on by the drug. It was almost like I couldn’t even feel them. There wasn’t much pain, just pressure and tightening. It was great. After a few pushes I looked at Anthony and asked if he could see the head. No one said anything and I knew that was a “no”. So, I kept up the hard work, and Jen assured me that I was doing a great job. It was during the pushing stage that I was the hottest. At some point Jen asked if I wanted a fan, and I said “yes”. So, she brought one in and it felt amazing. But, soon it wasn’t enough to cool me, and in between each contraction Anthony needed to fan me. Every time I finished with the third push I would look at Anthony and say “more”. He would fan me until the next contraction. Did I mention how amazing he was?! At some point someone suggested ice chips. Eating those ice chips helped me more than I ever could have imagined. I can’t really explain it, but there was something about crunching on that ice that made me focus more. It was a weird sensation, and I am sure it was incredibly annoying for Anthony to hear me crunching on the ice but I didn’t care one bit. Minutes were passing and I was really getting the hang of this pushing business. Jen, Missy, and Anthony were incredibly supportive and encouraging. As time passed I was getting more and more determined to push this baby out. No one was counting to ten or saying “push, push, push!” (which I liked), but I must have been pushing for a long time each time because I could hear Missy and Robin saying “Woah she is pushing for a long time” and “She must have been a diver because she can hold her breath for a long time”. If I would have been in a different frame of mind that sentence would have made me laugh. Lauren and I used to “swim” on swim team for a couple summers during high school. And by swim I mean goof off in the pool playing with diving sticks that some kid left in there the day before and splitting a mile’s worth of laps instead of swimming the whole mile like we were supposed to. We would kneel in the shallow end and gossip until we saw one of our coaches and would then dive under and pretend to be on our 20^th lap or whatever. So, the idea that I got such great lung capacity by being on a diving team was laughable- if anything I owe my lung capacity to the enormous amount of talking I’ve been doing since I was 12 months old.

After some more pushing Jen started preparing me for the fact that the baby was going to be here soon. She said that the NICU team was going to have to be called right before delivery because there was meconium (baby’s first poop) present in what little amniotic fluid was left. She said that between that and how the baby’s heart rate was acting she wouldn’t be surprised if he needed to go to the NICU for a little while. I appreciated her honesty because it gave me a chance to mentally prepare myself for not having my son with me right away. I knew he wouldn’t be able to be placed on my chest right after delivery and I began to work under the assumption that he would have to leave. I didn’t want to get my hopes up. I kept pushing three times with each contraction and soon I noticed another body in the room. Jen explained that she was the nurse who was going to call the NICU team when we got close to delivery. She began watching things progress and I could see the phone in her hand. I knew we were getting close. Anthony, Jen, and Missy became even more encouraging and soon Jen said “you delivered a curl! You’re almost there!” I was so happy to hear that they could see his hair! When I was still pregnant I told Anthony that when I was in labor he should tell me that he could see the baby’s hair even if he didn’t have any. I knew that hearing that would make me even more excited to see my son. I was a bald baby and basically stayed that way until I was two, so having a baby that actually had hair was an exciting prospect for me. Well, when I heard Jen say that I had delivered a curl I knew she wasn’t just saying that to get me excited- this baby really must have hair! I told Anthony to go get the camera. I knew we were getting close, and I wanted Anthony to get as many pictures as possible as soon as he was born (but not before haha!).

Shortly after that Jen said, “Ashley, you are going to feel some burning but push through it. You’re almost there.” That’s when the words “ring of fire” popped into my head. I had read countless birth stories before going into labor and that phrase was mentioned in almost every one. The ring of fire is basically when the baby is crowning and stretching you out and it burns. It had been described as the worse part of labor and I was dreading it. I simply couldn’t imagine what it was going to feel like or how I was going deal with it. But, I also knew that once you got passed that feeling you were basically done.  So I kept pushing (I did feel a little burning but the “ring of fire” was nowhere near as painful as the Pitocin contractions!) and before I knew it his head was out and then I pushed once more and the rest of him was out. I couldn’t believe it! Jen cut the cord and quickly handed him over to the NICU doctor. The first thing out of my mouth was, “is he ok?” I looked over and the NICU team was working on him and I heard one of the nurses say “his apgar is 9”. That made me so happy! The NICU doctor looked at me and said, “he can stay with you”. It was an incredible moment! Even Jen seemed surprised that everything was fine and that he could stay in the room with us. We both looked at the doctor and said, “he can?” and the doctor said, “yes, he’s doing well.” I saw Anthony taking pictures and I noticed that he began to tear up. It was the happiest moment of both our lives. Very shortly after that Harrison was weighed and Missy asked if we had any guesses. We had both made a guess about his height and weight while I was still pregnant; mine was 8lbs 14oz, 22in long and Anthony’s was 7lbs 8oz (I think it was 8oz anyway) and 20in long. Well we were both wrong! Harrison weighed in at a whopping 9lbs 6oz and was 20.5 inches long. But, surprisingly, to look at him he didn’t look like that big of a baby. His arms and legs were (and still are) really long and skinny and his shoulders are pretty broad. We were both shocked at how big he was, though. I had only gained about 10-12 pounds throughout my entire pregnancy, and based on how huge my belly was I thought he would be big but not 9 pounds big! After he was born and Missy found out how little weight I gained during pregnancy she said, "well, I think you just lost it all".  :)

After he was weighed and measured they quickly brought him over and placed him on my chest. It was a magical moment. I was finally holding my beautiful, perfect son! I noticed he was rooting and sucking on his hand and knew that that meant he wanted to nurse. Missy helped me get him latched on and she said that I did a great job. I jokingly told her to tell my mom that because “I have the reputation of being the wimp of the family”. She responded, “well, I don’t think that will be the case anymore. You did amazing.” I was so proud. Proud of myself for avoiding a c-section and giving birth without an epidural, proud of my husband for how amazingly supportive he was during the whole thing, and most of all- proud to be the mother of such a beautiful son. It is truly amazing what the female body is capable of when given the chance. I will never forget how I felt that evening. The experience was truly empowering.

Here are some pictures of little Harrison James Cosenza right after birth.

His first picture.

Completely perfect.

About 2-3 hours after has was born; after his first bath. His face is still all swollen and puffy from delivery.

Proud Papa!