My Advice for Moms-to-be

As a (relatively) new mom there are some things I would love to tell every expectant mother out there. Although I am certainly not an expert, these are either things I was told or wish I was told during my pregnancy. It is my belief that every woman should have the opportunity to have the birth she wants. Obviously, sometimes things happen that prevent that from happening. But, I think it is important to know what you want and have a plan B and C. I also believe that every pregnant woman should take the time to research their options as far as different birth professionals, what type of birth they want, where they want to have their baby, etc... early in their pregnancy so they have time to make decisions and put plans into place that are right for them. 

Many women don't even know they have a choice of where to give birth (i.e. hospital, birth center, at home) or what type of birth they want (i.e. natural birth, water birth, etc...). There are pros and cons to all of these choices, and not every choice is right for every woman. Too many times society dictates to us what we "should", "must" do and this includes how/where we give birth and who attends the delivery. The mainstream, public view of birth these days tends to be; see an OB during pregnancy, deliver in a hospital with an epidural, and go home with your beautiful baby. There's nothing wrong with that picture, it's just not for everyone. And, I think if more women researched their options they'd be more equipped to make decisions about their health and the health of their baby. These days if you go against the "normal" picture of birth and raising your child you're perceived as "weird" or a "hippy".  Personally, I think every woman should make her own decisions and not be judged for them. What works for one woman/family, doesn't always work for another. And that's ok.

Ok, enough of my philosophy (for now). Here are a few tips I have for every beautiful momma-to-be out there;

Do your research: Think you want a natural birth in a birth center with a midwife? Great! Start researching ways to cope with the pain during labor, what classes to take (Hypnobabies or the Bradley Method anyone?). Look into local birth centers and do this early on because there may not be any in your area. They seem to be shrinking- here is a birth center locator that gives you the 10 closest centers you your home. If there isn't one in our area, don't worry. Most midwives can attend your birth in a hospital or even in your home if that's more your style. Find a great midwife. Talk to others that have done it and read birth stories online, gain encouragement and inspiration from them. Think you want to give birth in a hospital with a doctor and receive an epidural or other medication for pain? Great! Go to your local hospital for a tour. Find a great doctor that shares your beliefs and has your best interest in mind (interview several if you have to). Research the possible side effects of an epidural to you and the baby. Basically, take it upon yourself to be as informed as possible about what you want. Knowledge is power and when you have it you can ask informed questions and object to things you don't want or fight for things you do. Doctors and midwives are wonderful, but it's impossible for them to educate you on every aspect of pregnancy, labor, and delivery. It's up to you to find things out. Sometimes, through your research, you'll realize that you no longer want what you thought you did. For example, once you find out that receiving an epidural increases your risk for a c-section you may not want it. 

One amazing book that I think every woman should read regardless of the way you want to give birth is Ina May Gaskin's Guide to Childbirth. If I could, I would buy this for every pregnant woman I know. I'd be handing it out to pregnant women on the street. I absolutely LOVED this book and learned so much from it. I credit it (along with some other things) with giving me the strength, confidence, and courage to have a natural birth. I even highlighted some particularly inspirational passages and referred to it at different parts of my pregnancy. I plan on reading it again when I become pregnant with baby #2. The first part of the book is all birth stories from women of different backgrounds and each woman has a unique story to tell. Most had natural births, some received epidurals and all of their stories are truly inspirational. The second half of the book is dedicated to informing momma-to-be about all things related to labor and delivery. Everything for epidurals and episiotomies to water births and doulas are talked about. 

One word of caution, though, too much research can be a bad thing. Don't endlessly Google every birth term you hear or every possible thing that could go wrong. Also, there's no need to watch a YouTube video entitled "my gruesome birth" or read a birth story labeled "My Horrible/Terrifying Birth Story". Talk to people you trust and respect. I've also found The Bump to be a very helpful resource. On their site you can read birth stories that are categorized by "c-section", "natural birth", "home birth", "water birth", etc... This really allows to narrow your search and really hone in on what is important to you. Also, there is a community/message board section on The Bump. There are message boards dedicated to everything you can think of; infertility, home schooling, natural birth, cloth diapers, attachment parenting, breast feeding, stay at home moms, working moms, etc... You name it, they have it. You can even join your "birth month" board and talk to other moms who are all due the same month you are. I learned a ton of information on there.

Watch "The Business of Being Born" and "More Business of Being Born": These two fabulous documentaries (both available on Netflix!) should be required viewing for all pregnant ladies. Aside from Ina May's book, I learned the most from watching "The Business of Being Born". The second installment, which is a 4 part series, came out after I had Harrison. And I have watched 3 of the 4 episodes on Netflix so far. I simply can't say enough about these movies. They are both educational and inspirational. They taught me about the alarming c-section rate in this country, about how, despite being a wealthy country, America has one of the highest rates of infant and maternal death (higher than all of Europe and even some developing countries!), and about how; unfortunately, we might not be able to fully trust that what our doctors are telling us is in our best interest. I believe that after watching this you will be better informed and better able to make the best decision for you and your baby. One of the installments of "More Business..." is dedicated to celebrity moms talking about their birth experiences. Normally, I don't give much credit to what celebs have to say, but I'll make an exception for this. Please note that all of these celebs tend to be more private. Think Layla Ali, Alanis Morrisette, and Allison Hannigan not Kim K and Snooki. All the moms planned on having a natural birth, some achieved this and other didn't. Some gave birth at home, others had c-sections. Every single one is empowering. I could relate to at least one aspect of every woman's story and it was nice to hear from other women that I was not alone in my journey. If you are a second time mom you will find yourself nodding your head in agreement when you listen to these amazing stories.

Find and join a "mommy group": I am blessed to have a good friend that started a mommy group and invited me to join. I became a part of the group when I was newly pregnant and have loved it ever since. I have learned so much from the ladies in the group! Some of us are first time moms, while others are on their 3rd or 4th bundle of joy. Whenever we get together lots of knowledge and funny stories are shared by all. It is important to find a group of women with which you can share stories and ask questions. A lot of times a question you have is the same as someone else's and it's always nice to know you are not alone. We are a diverse group; some cloth diaper others don't, some used a midwife others a doctor, some believe in vaccinations others don't. But, we have a judgement free policy- we respect and support each other always and have the mantra, what is right for me may not be right for you. Mutual respect and empathy is key, and when you have those two things being part of a mommy group is a truly wonderful thing. I feel it is essential to have a place where you can get together with other mothers are talk about your feelings and concerns as well as gossip about celebrities and vent about your husband/partner. 

Don't know any other pregnant ladies? No problem! I have seen them advertised on Craigslist and in the newspaper. Also you can visit meetup.com to search you local area for mom groups. There are lots on there.

Consider cloth diapers: If you know me, you know I love my cloth diapers. I've blogged about it here and here plus I have a 3rd, follow-up post planned. This is another thing I would love to tell every pregnant woman about. I think that a lot of people (I used to be one of them) think that it is too expensive, time consuming and/or gross to cloth diaper. But, cloth diapering has come a long, long way since our parents and grandparents' generations, and it's easier than ever to cloth diaper your baby. You save a ton of money and it's better for the environment. Win-win. :) I know mommas of twins that cloth diaper, working moms, and stay at home moms that use cloth. I truly believe that every woman could do it if she wants to. There are options for every price point and there are even hybrid options that have disposable liners with a reusable shell. I plan on using cloth diapers on all subsequent babies, and would recommend it to everyone. 



Lastly, don't get overwhelmed by trying to listen to and follow every piece of advice you are given. Your lifestyle as well as the type of birth you want will likely dictate whose/what kind of advice you seek out. When you're pregnant, strangers come up to you and give you lots of "advice". It's as though your growing belly is a beacon that attracts all busy bodies and know-it-alls. I had one old lady come up to me and say "I hope you're not having a boy! Boys are horrible! All they do is grow up and leave you!" What was I supposed to say? "Actually I am having a boy. Thanks a lot, jerk!" Instead I just said "ok" and walked away. Some people. Sheesh! If someone says something you don't like or want to hear ignore it. Try not to let it bother you. Sometimes someone will say something and it will make you think or inspire you to go home and research more about what they are saying. Whatever you do, don't forget to relax and enjoy being pregnant. It's only a short amount of time and you may even miss it when it's gone (I did). Pregnancy is a wonderful, exciting time in a woman's life, enjoy yourself and try not to get caught up on the little things. 

Peace & love to all you beautiful mommas!

New Beginnings

Things have changed a lot over that past fews months. I came home from Kenya and slowly got back to a "normal" life. Anthony and I had talked about having kids before we ever got married. Going to Kenya was the last thing I wanted to do before starting a family. For Anthony, being done with nursing school before the baby arrived was a priority (and I agreed). So, we did the math and figured out when to start trying in order to have the baby after he graduates; which will be in May. I had been researching the logistics of getting pregnant (well, except from the obvious work required) such as charting your period and fertile days, and using ovulation predictor tests. We firgured that we waited long enough to start trying and we wanted to give ourselves the best shot of getting pregnant once we decided to start trying. We had read that it could take a healthy couple a year to get pregnant, so we decided to start trying a month early to give ourselves a head start. Well, surprise! I got pregnant the first month of trying. Which, meant I would be due in April- a month before Anthony graduates. I honestly didn't think that would ever happen; that we would be lucky enough to have such success early on.

I was so sure that I wasn't pregnant that I decided to take a pregnancy test before Anthony got home from school. I figured that way I would have time to process the negative result by myself before he got home. Well, I was absolutely shocked when the digital test read positive. I just stared at it and myself in the bathroom mirror. When Anthony got home I gave him the test. He looks at it and says "that only looks like one line" (meaning a negative test). He didn't even see that it actually said positive. I told him that it was a digital test not one of the ones with the double or single lines. "It says positive!", I said. He just looked at me. We were so excited and definitely shocked! I took a few more tests over the next few days and when they were also positive I called the midwife group I had researched and told them I needed an appointment. And so, our adventure began.

Little did we know that we would have several curve balls thrown at us over the next few months. There have been times where the life growing inside of me and my strong marriage seemed to be the only positive things in my life. Everything else just seemed so hard. The day I found out I was pregnant I found out that I got a nanny job I had interviewed for a week prior. Great news! Well, after just one week of working for this (flakey) family I was let go; the mother said that she wanted a family member to look after the kids and that she hoped she "didn't mess anything up for me". Riiiight, lady. So now, I was newly pregnant and unemployed. "Who hires a pregnant lady?", I thought. "Perfect timing" and "now what am I going to do?", also ran through my mind on a daily (sometimes hourly) basis. I eventually found a new, part-time job, and kept looking for something full time. All the while I kept getting bigger and knew that I wouldn't be able to hide this pregnancy forever. I felt immense pressure (from myself not Anthony) to find something full time and find it fast. Meanwhile we decided that we needed to move to a bigger, nicer place before this baby came. After a long, hard search we finally found a place we loved and cost less than $1,000 a month (who the eff pays $1,000+ for a two bedroom apartment in this area?!) and moved in November. We had money from our student loan refunds and figured we could make it stretch until I found something that actually paid the bills. I have been lucky enough to have been employed pretty much since graduating, and was pretty naive about the whole job searching process. The money ran out before I found anything full time, and we were majorly struggling to pay the rent. I ended up finding a better job and was told that I could give me two weeks notice to my other job. Well, I there ended up being a 2-3 week gap in between quitting one job and starting the other. Then Anthony's car died. It was like we couldn't win. But, thanks to our amazing families, we have been able to make ends meet. But, it has certainly been tough. We both HATE having to rely on others financially, and every time we have to ask for money it gets harder.

This has been a time of growth for us. We have learned so much through our trials. We have learned what we need versus what we want. We have cut back on just about everything we can cut back on, and are still struggling. We have grown closer as a couple, and now appreciate each other and what we have more than ever. We realize it could be so much worse. And, I know we will look back on this time and laugh. I just keep telling myself that it WILL get better eventually. "This is only temporary" has become my mantra. There have been many times when I have thought "this isn't fair! We were responsible, we waited to get pregnant until we were ready. Why is this happening to us?". I thought that had I known we were going to go through all these trials we would have waited to get pregnant. But, you know what? I learned that none of that negative thinking is productive. It gets you no where. I have come to realize that everything happens for a reason. And I know that things will get better once we get this semester's student loan refunds and when Anthony graduates and is getting paid at least double what he is making now. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. And, I have a feeling that when this little boy gets here I am going to have absolutely no regrets about trying to get pregnant when we did. I just can't wait to stare at him and think "this is what we've been working so hard for".